Before you buy that gift card …

I try not to buy gift cards.

OK—not totally true. Once a year, for one day only, Target sells their gift cards at a 10% discount. I buy one card for the maximum total value you can purchase—$300—and email it to myself. I live within walking distance of our local Target and as much as I like to shop around for a good deal, sometimes you need children’s acetaminophen at 11 p.m. on a Sunday night. That card is as good as cash. Better, really, since it’s on my phone.

This year, the gift card sale was on December 2nd. As I was feeling loving and generous, I emailed the gift card to my husband (also, don’t want to ever go outside). Since he was in the other room, I sent him a text to check his email.

Nothing.

After some frantic double-checking of the email address I used, we discovered it went to his spam folder.

Aaaaaaand that’s why I don’t like gift cards. Now I don’t know how many people are gifting themselves versus surprising someone else’s inbox, but I’m kinda appalled by even the remote possibility that your spam filter is blocking Aunt Melody’s early Christmas present.

Do you know what I hate hate HATE to spend money on? Something that goes unused (or uneaten … or unopened). Gift cards? I don’t know that they always get 100% used up. Wait, I do know. They don’t.

Let me tell you an accounting tale (don’t worry, it’s short). When a gift card is sold, a company collects cash, but it does not “earn” the money until the gift card is used. Periodically, a company will assess its outstanding gift card balances—including all those sitting unopened in your spam folder—decide that the likelihood of redemption is remote, and earn some quintessential easy money.

Do you know what Amazon estimates it will earn “earn” in 2018 from gift card balances it deems unlikely to ever be redeemed? $650 million dollars. If Amazon gift cards, which are even closer to cash than Target’s, don’t all get redeemed, what hope is there for that Hollister gift card I sent my goddaughter? Even if she buys something she loves, there’s a good chance $6.11 will remain on that card, forgotten in a desk drawer, until … Hollister is woefully behind the style curve.

(Note to everyone who has ever given me a gift card: Thank you! I use ’em up 💪. LBYM tip of the day: spend it immediately.)

I completely understand the appeal of giving gift cards. They are personal—you seem like a gal who likes books!—but not too personal—enjoy the 50 Shades boxed set!

I know it’s the thought that counts, but that $650 million lost in the transfer? Is this the best we can do?

I don’t give my kids Christmas gifts. None. Not even via Santa. No stocking stuffers, either, though I’m tempted to toss in a charcoal briquette or two this year.

Let me just say that their behavior over the last year hasn’t exactly screamed, oh yeah, definitely the Nice list. If other people behaved the way my kids did, I am pretty sure charges would be filed. Disorderly conduct, assault, obscenity, general terrorism … take your pick.

That said, the main reason they don’t get any gifts from me is because they get gifts from a lot of other people, particularly their grandparents. That’s right—I am a total Christmas gift freeloader. #ownit

One thing the kids never get? Gift cards. They don’t get gift cards because they have grandparents who will buy an atlas because he sees her budding interest in geography, who will send a subscription to Ranger Rick because she sees his love of nature and animals, who will give cash because … she is Chinese.

And because she knows they’ll absolutely use 100% of it.