An (alliterative) allowance alternative

Do you give your kids allowances? I don’t. I mean, I don’t give my kids allowances. I don’t really interact with your kids much haaaaa. My miserliness should surprise exactly zero of you since, as I’ve written previously, I don’t give my kids much in the way of Christmas gifts either. Honestly, I’m baffled by the notion of children receiving any kind of weekly or monthly stipend for … for … I’m sorry—what exactly is the allowance for? Existing? If anything, they should be paying me.

Don’t get me wrong—more than anything, I want my kids to grow up with sound financial knowledge and solid money management skills. What I fail to see is how providing them with a guaranteed and stable income stream dissociated from any specific activity teaches them anything very helpful for the real world, at least until Universal Basic Income becomes a reality—shout out to my friend and 2020 presidential candidate Andrew Yang!

What to do instead? If you live in the shadow of the University of Wisconsin-Madison … you enroll your kids in as many research studies as the Institutional Review Board will allow. You know how some people (i.e. those with leisure time) are always recommending binge-worthy TV shows? That’s how I am with child research studies. I am—or rather, my kids are—on All. The. Lists. If you are lucky enough to live near a large research university, prepare to win-win-win all around.

Win #1: Studies kill time.

One of the first lessons you learn as a stay-at-home parent is the importance of activities. If you don’t have something planned, the activity of the day will always devolve to internecine sibling warfare, typically focused on a worthless trinket. If you have a study scheduled, boom! Between driving, parking (paid!), riding the elevator, signing consent forms, the study itself, going to the bathroom, checking out the psychology department’s vending machine selections, getting a drink of water, riding the elevator again, deciding whether you want the toy or $10 for your participation—seriously, this could take my son five minutes—we’re talking a good two hours of glorious activity here.

Win #2: My kids have a job.

Not only do they kill time, studies actually pay my kids. For doing something. In this way, they’re getting a small, but important lesson—payment is rendered in exchange for your labor. From what I can see through the one-way mirror, sometimes that labor is mindless, arbitrary, and repetitive, a secondary, but perhaps just as valuable, takeaway … especially if we want to eventually get to lesson three: how to accrue value by leveraging someone else’s labor. Plus every dollar the Mathematics Education Learning and Development Lab pays my kids is one less dollar I have to pay for Pokémon cards.

Win #3: Science!

By participating in studies, not only do my kids play a role, however minor, in advancing our collective knowledge of, umm … important stuff, they also get exposed to different fields of study and to the scientific method. I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how our brains handle fractions or process gender identity and emotional expressions, but I can introduce them to a neuroscientist who does. One day, kids, that could be you! No pressure.

Win #4: My kids love them.

They ask me all the time when their next study is. They’ve now graduated to fighting over whose turn it is to do a study. As a parent of three school-age children, I rather consider myself a connoisseur of local birthday party venues. As such, let me suggest that these researchers consider offering up their labs for parties! I guarantee we will read the waivers as closely as we do the ones from that trampoline place where everyone gets injured. You get a whole bunch of captive subjects, and our kids learn about your work and work in general. Plus, there’s cake.

Genius, right?

Disclaimer: No children were harmed in the writing of this post … I mean, as far as I can tell.